Carlos called for a ride to Emilio’s estate. I didn’t want to go back there. I should have gone to West first. I should have trusted my commanding officer wasn’t crooked. I should have reported the murders. There were so many things I should have done. It wasn’t too late to listen to my better instincts.

  “Maria, the car will be here shortly,” said Carlos. “Pick out some stuff you want. Simon will put it on the tab.”

  I shook my head. “I’m not going to Emilio’s, Carlos.”

  He narrowed his eyes on me as if I had dared to challenge him when the stakes were too high to lose. I cringed because I hated his unyielding expression. But I could be stubborn, too. My reputation, and possibly freedom, were at stake. Emilio would have control over my movements, and he might not allow me to leave until I served his purpose.

  “Where do you think you’ll go? You can’t go to your home.” He fluttered his hand in a dismissive gesture. “Just fill a bag with stuff. We’ll order new clothes for you and have them delivered.”

  I shook my head at the thought of being dressed like one of Emilio’s women. “I’m not going there with you.”

  “Why?” Carlos stood in my face.

  “Because I’m not a criminal.”

  Simon glared at me from the counter and muttered something derisive before Armando shut the door.

  “You mean, a criminal like me, like us, like the people who are helping you right now.”

  “West helped us too, Carlos.”

  “And look where he left us,” he said. “He knows we’re better able to protect you than him. West admitted he couldn’t even protect you in a jail. Don’t be stupid, Maria.”

  “Stupid? Does obeying the law make me stupid? I’m not stupid because I don’t want to break the law.” My voice was shrill as I looked into Carlos’s startled face. He didn’t understand the source of my anger. We hadn’t talked about our break-up, but it was there. Unspoken, the reason why we parted still lingered between us.

  “Leave me alone, Carlos,” I cried in frustration. “I can take care of myself.”

  “I have to help you,” he tried to reason with me.

  “Why?” I demanded. “I’ve managed on my own this long without you.”

  “Maria, what’s wrong with you? Why are you being this way?”

  “I’m stupid, remember? I know if the Cazadores told you to dump me, you’d do it again. I was stupid again to believe anything had changed. How can I be with you when all you ever do is break hearts? Well, you’re not doing that to me again!”

  But it was too late. My heart was breaking as I fled the market and ran out onto the street.

  Chapter Thirteen

  CARLOS

  I watched Maria run down the street. But when she saw me looking, she disappeared quickly around the corner. I waited a moment then followed. I had to make sure she was safe before I let her go. From a distance, I saw her leaning against a brick wall with her hands covering her eyes. I wanted to comfort her, but I was the problem. I was the one who had made her cry.

  What Maria said was true. I remembered every detail of our first breakup as it played again in my mind. She had wanted me to join the force, but Luis had wanted me to join the Cazadores. I couldn’t picture myself in a uniform. I recalled how the deputies would slowly drive past and twist their lips in disgust as they watched us on the street corner. Emilio Nieto had welcomed Luis and me. He saw what we had to offer and was ready to exploit it. Luis had charm, I had brains, and we could both fight. We had punched and hustled our way to the top ranks of the club. I had cash, respect, and women, but I lost Maria.

  And I missed her.

  I remembered the way Maria’s face fell and then crumbled into tears as I insulted her with every cruelty I could force myself to say. I remembered telling my first and only love she was too simple, too boring, and too dumb for me. I was a smart man and needed an equal now that I was somebody. I had said everything I knew to upset her so she would go away.

  I scoffed at my shameful thoughts. I hadn’t become a better man, and I hadn’t gone anywhere. I was still in Mesa on the bleak streets.

  I watched as Maria walked toward Mission Avenue. I guessed where she was going. I ran back to the market, out the back door, and watched from the fence as Maria knocked on Mama’s door. I heaved a sigh of relief as Mama welcomed Maria into the house.

  “I’m heading over to Emilio’s house,” I said to Armando, grabbing a shopping bag of junk food and chips. I left the brownies behind.

  “She’s not coming?” he asked.

  I shook my head, but wouldn’t look him in the eye.

  His laugh was harsh and short. “She’s not worth the trouble, Carlos. And don’t forget she sold out.”

  I said nothing as I walked out and jumped into Hector’s waiting car. After a while, he was tired of my monosyllable answers and turned up the radio. The estate came into view as the gates slid open, allowing us entry into Emilio’s private world. I wondered if Luis would be there with his woman.

  “Carlos.” Emilio welcomed me with open arms, like I was the hero of the hour. The praise wouldn’t last for long. “The files are damning and warrant an investigation. You did well. Where’s the girl?”

  “Deputy Lopez is staying with Carmen Nieto,” I replied.

  “Good. Luis is there. He can keep an eye on her.”

  “She’s not a Cazador.” I eyed Emilio.

  “No, but I will forgive her for being confused. When I’m mayor, I’ll make her sheriff for her loyalty.”

  I took a deep breath to control my anger. Perhaps Maria hadn’t been overreacting. I took the stairs two at a time to the top of the wide carpeted staircase.

  Hector laughed as Emilio continued, “The bright ones are always so sensitive.”

  The man had no gratitude or heart. I stopped on the top step. My shaking hand gripped the end of a carved railing. My eyes drifted over the obscene display of Emilio’s ill-gotten wealth. Oil paintings, antiques furniture, and rare rugs adorned the house, carefully chosen by a paid decorator because this immoral man had no taste.

  “Emilio,” I shouted, and he stopped speaking and strode toward the base of the stairs. I wanted to kick the simpering grin off his face. “Do you own Sheriff West?”

  “No,” he laughed as I was a simpleton for asking.

  Armando hadn’t spotted the patrol car. And I wouldn’t repay the unexpected kindness by being a snitch.

  “I tried to buy him,” he continued. “I offered him the name of his daughter’s killer, but the man wouldn’t budge. Let him keep his morals while he loses his family. I heard the wife is a hot piece of ass. Old, but still fuckable.”

  Hector laughed and Emilio patted him on the shoulder. But when Emilio motioned toward the office, Hector shook his head and took his leave. West wasn’t the only one who couldn’t be bought.

  I went into the room Luis used. It was after midnight and I stared at my phone. I couldn’t call Maria. I thumbed through my contacts and paused at Luis’s number. I hit ‘call.’ Luis would be awake. He answered immediately.

  “Hey, you know she’s here?” answered Luis.

  “Sí, a lot of shit went down tonight.”

  His laugh was tired. “Yeah, the women kicked me out of the kitchen. They’re talking to her now.”

  I sat bolt upright on the bed. “They aren’t talking about me, are they?”

  He scoffed. “Of course, what else would they talk about? They’re talking about how pigheaded you are.”

  “El is...” I started changing the subject.

  “Nope, bro,” Luis cut me off. “Not in this house. The phones listen and so do the walls.”

  “Not much we can talk about then.” I sighed poking in my shopping bag.

  “We can talk about how you’re doing. I did look for you that day, and every day.”

  I sighed. “I know. I give you shit but I know you give a damn or two.”

  “Bro, El wants you in the circle. You’re second below me, but you act as if you’re a prospect. Why don’t you want to step up? Because of her?”

  “You have someone who accepts what we have to do,” I said.

  “I know. My woman, she doesn’t approve of violence, but she knows sometimes it’s necessary sometimes.”

  “I have responsibilities to my bros,” I replied. “They are there for me. We aren’t children anymore.”

  “But she was there first until you pushed her away. You may have to make a choice. Or not… after what’s happened, she may have doubts about her job.”

  “She has doubts that I love her.”

  “Does she know?”

  “I’ve told her.”

  Luis paused and I could feel the heaviness in what he felt he must say. “You might have to tell her every day for the rest of your lives. You fucked up in a big way and saying it once in the heat of love isn’t enough to prove anything. You’ve got to say it when she needs to hear it the most.”

  Chapter Fourteen

  MARIA

  The day Carlos broke up with me played in my mind again like an old horror film. The kind of movie where I’d cringe and avert my eyes because I knew what would happen next. And I just didn’t want to watch that scene again.

  I was eighteen and old enough to drive, but Carlos drove us everywhere. He was only a year older, but it made him feel better to be in charge, even though it was my mother’s car. On the weekends, I’d borrow her old four-door sedan with the rust marks on the dull blue paint and the sagging old seats. We’d drive through the burger take-out then park behind the industrial park on the edge of town. Some weekends, we’d drive past Fresno to the old drive-in. There were a few left in California. We’d split the admission for the double feature, but Carlos would treat me to a bucket of popcorn and a package of licorice. When the place was empty, we’d climb into the back seat. It was where we’d lost our virginity to each other.

  I’d remember that one weekend forever. Carlos had sat beside me, his muscles tense. I could hear his anxious breaths. He had on a denim jacket, the sleeves cut off, and a patch sewn on the chest pocket. I recognized the patch. A few of the older men on the street had them. It was an image of three devils with their arms draped around each other’s shoulders. My mother had told me to avoid those men.

  “Where did you get the patch from?” I had asked.

  Carlos hadn’t looked at me. He had stared straight out the window as if there was something to see besides steel storage sheds.

  “Carlos, where did you get the patch?” Nervous, I had pulled at the hem of my skirt. He’d watched my fidgety hands as I waited for him to answer.

  “Carlos?” My voice was weak, my chest weighed down with dread.

  “We have to break up,” he’d finally said.

  “I’m sorry. I didn’t hear you.”

  “Maria, I can’t see you anymore.”

  I felt as if I’d had a bad dream and I couldn’t wake up no matter how hard I wanted to. I’d shouted at him, but Carlos refused to be swayed.

  From that day on, I wanted him to suffer, but I caved in when I saw him helpless on the cross. I didn’t want to lose Carlos, not to the streets. On my job, I’d seen others survive worse tragedies than mine, but the day Carlos broke my heart was the one I carried.

  ***

  I sat at the square kitchen table, on the seat where I had sat as a child. The last time I was in Mama’s house, I’d walked through it observing it as a crime scene. Back then, I wasn’t an invited guest. Carlos hadn’t been at Oscar’s ‘welcome home’ party, therefore, he wasn’t around when the Disciples drove by and shot the house to pieces. Looking around tonight, it was hard to tell anything bad had ever happened in this cozy home, but I knew better. And I also knew not to ask.

  “I can’t tell you much more than that,” I said as Mama handed me a cup of chamomile tea. Jane sat at the table with us after shooing Luis upstairs to his bedroom. It was nice to see Luis smiling for a change and not leering at an easy conquest. He was too damn good-looking. But he’d never made a pass at me out of respect for Carlos. Besides, I wouldn’t have been interested. In the day, I’d seen his tired moves and it just made me roll my eyes.

  “You haven’t told me anything,” Mama replied as she sat down at the table with her own cup of tea.

  “What do you mean? I can’t tell you much else.” It wasn’t safe to tell them much except that I had rescued Carlos that day and we’d been hiding out. If they knew more than that they didn’t let on.

  Jane nibbled at a cookie. “What Mama means,” she replied, “is that you haven’t said if you and Carlos are a couple again.”

  “Again?” My voice rose. “We were never a couple.”

  Mama inhaled and made a sarcastic face at Jane as if to tell her wordlessly I was playing innocent but doing a poor job of it.

  “We had a crush on each other as kids,” I explained. “Nothing more.”

  “Jane,” Mama said. “Carlos and Maria dated since they were in grade school. They dated all through high school until Carlos joined the Cazadores like his brother. She lost her virginity to him.”

  “Mama,” I wailed, looking from her to a smirking Jane.

  Mama continued. “There’s an old drive-in outside of Fresno. ‘Madera’ I think it’s called. It’s open in May and closed in September and Carlos and Maria would drive there and spend the day being friends.” Mama winked.

  Jane laughed. “It’s hard to forget the first time, good or bad. But I‘m thinking it was good judging by the way you look at him.”

  “Look at Carlos,” I huffed. “I don’t look at him.”

  “You do look at Carlos,” teased Jane. “He’s a handsome man. Good-looking with dark, intense eyes that look into your heart. Can’t hide a secret from eyes like that. And you’re not good at hiding your emotions for him.”

  “Well, it’s not happening again.” I folded my arms across my chest to demonstrate my resolve. “He wants to tell me what to do.”

  “He’s trying to protect you,” said Jane.

  “I’m a deputy,” I raised my voice.

  “You’re his woman,” Mama shook her finger at me. “Love’s not an easy thing to find. And it’s not always wrapped up in a neat package and tied with a perfect bow.” She scoffed. “If he was perfect, you probably wouldn’t be interested.”

  She was right. My lackluster dating history offered no comparison and when I had tried to replace Carlos in my heart, it just didn’t work.

  “Maria,” said Jane. “Carlos may not be able to express himself in a smooth way like Luis, but it doesn’t mean he loves you less.”

  I gave them both a stern look. “It’s more than that. I fight crime. How am I supposed to uphold the law when the man I’m with is out there breaking it faster than I can write a ticket?”

  “People aren’t all good or all bad,” said Mama. “They are a mix of both. You have to pick the ones who are more good than bad. Look at the evil mayor. At least Carlos didn’t hide his secrets from you. The worst people I know are liars.”

  I sighed. “People don’t make sense.”

  Jane pressed her lips together then spoke. “Love doesn’t make sense. If it did, I wouldn’t be pregnant in California. You have to make the choice that’s right for you and to hell with the others.”

  “Don’t give up on Carlos,” said Mama. “Not yet. You both need each other to get through this. Only he understands. He’s the only one you can talk to right now.”

  I needed to listen to my gut. Closing my eyes, I put my forehead on the table and Jane rubbed my shoulders. I had to make a choice and it was going to be a hard one. Time wasn’t going to wait for me to get my shit together.

  Sitting up, I banged the table with my fist. “I’m a deputy, and I have a duty to uphold the law. But right now, I’m going to make the law do its job. I’m going.”

  “Where?” asked Jane.

  “To get my badge. I’m not running, and neither is Carlos. I know what he is and if he wasn’t, I’d be dead. He’s not the problem, and I’m not the problem. And we need to face our demons together.”

  Chapter Fifteen

  CARLOS

  “This is Jocelyn Pruitt reporting from Mesa City Hall where today Mayor Leonard Pryor is about to announce his run for Congress. Standing with me is his son, Nathan Pryor, his media director. Do you have a comment to share?”

 

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